Desaparecer

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It feels like there’s a tube going through my head and someone’s blowing air through it

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My hands were shaking and I felt worse than I have in a while physically at taekwondo but I was performing better, my mind feels clearer even though my body is like lead
Its like im on pure adrenaline, all my energy goes in to what im doing, there isnt enough to spread it out to other things so everything I have goes in to the task at hand

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I’m the kind of weak where my whole body is shaking and I’m not sure I can get up the stairs or stand in the shower ahahaha

ah

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I think jake’s about to ask me to do something and its probably going to involve eating help

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When I look down at my right arm I see a short, thick log the size of my calf, going down to chubby hands that are bleeding at the ends where the skin is peeled off my finger tips. When I look down at my left arm it’s the same, except it’s covered in scratches that are faded in to white lines and when I stretch it out my elbow is the widest part but when I bend it up again the fat cushions around it. If I look down further I can see my calves, both are curved, thick ankles suddenly becoming three times as thick like someone’s shoved a rugby ball in to each calf which is now bulging out. My knees are deformed and always have been, swollen up like they’re still full of inflammatory acid although I’m assured that they aren’t, then that leads to my thighs: giant, pale marshmallows whichever way I stand. I sit and they turn in to airbags, I pull up my shorts and there are the scars, I bend my legs and the fat gathers around the joint, I put my feet together and the gap between is blurry and insignificant, I turn to the side and see curves that are rock solid and must be muscles but dang do they look like rolls of fat. At either end: my feet are huge, ankles swollen like they’re filled with water, red-ish pink lines that don’t heal, the birthmark I love almost lost under the layers of fat; meanwhile my face is as round as the moon, patchy red and white, small features swamped by chipmunk cheeks that sag down in to a double chin, almost joined with my neck. My stomach is a balloon that inflates more and more over the day, food or not, my chest looks half-developed and ugly, the fat from it bulging under my arms when I put them by my sides, my collarbones are swamped, my hip bones jut out but all they seem to do is hold out the layer of fat they’re trapped beneath, my ribs are fat rolls. When I look in a full-length mirror I see broad shoulders, thick limbs, a wide back, a waist that doesn’t curve in at all and far, far too much space being taken up. 

Filed under im having a really bad body image day/week/life tw: body bashing idk if thats even a tag ana